Hello again, this is another random entry spewing forth from the craziness of my mind. I am going to attempt to make something out of a little fragment of something I've written before and we'll see where it goes :).
This script would be more appropriate as a screenplay and I'm writing it as such:
A dark road in the middle of the night. Occasional street lamps light the way and there is the occasion stop light. DARREN is driving his car home after a date. He's exciting and driving a bit fast.
(DARREN is cautious and takes quick glances up as he texts)
TEXT from DARREN to KATHY: Hey tonight was really fun, we should do it -
(DARREN looks up quickly and almost returns to the phone when he sees someone crossing the road in front of him. He slams on the break, but it's too late and the body makes a load thud as it hits bumper, windshield, and rolls off into the street. There is only the hum of the engine and glow of the lights, everything else remains still.)
(DARREN is frozen inside of the car, his cell phone is down by his feet. He slowly get out of the car taking his phone with him and moves around to the side where the body lays. The body is bloody and motionless, but it looks like they are breathing. DARREN fumbles at his phone punching numbers, not knowing exactly what to do.)
9-1-1 OPERATOR:
9-1-1 emergency.
DARREN
Hello? Um, yes . . . I have an emergency - I was driving and uh -
9-1-1 OPERATOR:
Were you in an accident, sir?
DARREN
No, no, this guy - I saw this guy in the middle of the road so I stopped, it looks like a hit and run or something . . .
9-1-1 Operator
Did you see the accident?
DARREN
No - I didn't see anything happen I just, I just got here and found this guy lying in the road he's not moving and there's blood -
9-1-1 OPERATOR
Sir, I need you to call down. Just give me the address where you are and we will send an ambulance right away.
DARREN
Uh, I'm at uh, 250 East 600 something South, just south of Jackson's Carwash. I'm sorry, but I can't stay -
9-1-1 OPERATOR
Sir, I need you to stay at the scene to answer questions when the officers arrive and I need your name please.
DARREN
No, I'm really sorry I can't stay - I have uh family emergency - my uhh sister fell. Well she didn't just fall she has medical issues - I gotta go - Bye.
9-1-1 OPERATOR
Sir -
(DARREN hangs up the phone quickly and stares at the body again, almost unable to pull his gaze from it and in awe of what just happened.)
DARREN
(talking to himself)
I hung up. I just hung up on 9-1-1, I just hung up on 9-1-1. I can't believe I did that. I just hit a guy in the middle of the road and I lied 9-1-1.
(DARREN staggers over to the body. He pulls it over to the side of the road out of the way and then returns to his car, gets in, still in a daze, and drives away.)
INTERIOR: Hospital. The next day. DARREN paces nervously around the waiting area of the hospital. Finally he strikes up the courage to talk to the receptionist.
Okay, well that's all on this one for now, suckas! Hope you enjoyed that random taste . . . I think the convo could be better but I'll have to work on it some more.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
New Drama Script Idea
So I have an idea for another drama to write, spawned out of an exercise we've done in my writing class. Right now in my mind it's a drama, but who knows it may turn into a comedy. Basically what I'm writing is on the spot or made up of tiny pieces I've already written.
Scene 1
(Lights up. Living Room and kitchen of a small apartment. The kitchen area blends right into the living area where STACY sits doing a crossword puzzle at the coffee table. TERRY stands in the kitchen dicing vegetables on a cutting board, on the island. A pot of bubbling liquid is on the burner behind him. Only the sound of the knife and the clock on the wall is heard.)
TERRY
I have to go to Detroit tomorrow.
STACY
Why?
TERRY
I'll be gone for the next two days. After tonight, there should be enough left overs for dinner for that time.
(Long silence)
STACY
I didn't know that.
TERRY
Didn't know what - that I'll be gone for two days or that there will be enough for left overs?
STACY
You never tell me you're going until last minute.
TERRY
I swear I told you last week something about it . . .
STACY
No, you never tell me, it's always like this.
TERRY
Well you can call my boss to confirm the trip if you're worried it's not legitimate this time.
STACY
Can you not bring that up, please? I'd like to finish this puzzle with a little sanity.
TERRY
Well, maybe you could put down the puzzle for a minute and could help me in here? It might be nice to do something together before I leave . . .
STACY
What is that supposed to mean? Are you blaming me?
TERRY
I'm not saying anything.
STACY
Yes, you are, you don't want to blame yourself so you're throwing it on me?
TERRY
(trying to cool the situation)
We've already talked about this - we don't need to talk about it again.
STACY
Do you want me to call my lawyer, maybe you can talk to him about it!
TERRY
(angry now)
Why am I even in here making this dinner for you! For US! Is this just another futile attempt for me to put our lives back together - am I just wasting my time and energy for nothing?
STACY
Oh, don't even -
TERRY
Damn it, Stacy! You know what? We don't need these vegetables, we don't!
(TERRY begins knocking the vegetables off the cutting board and throwing them around the room.)
There just a representation of all the times we've wasted so why don't we just let the dog eat 'em!
(This is all I'm writing in this for now. I think the wording on the end here will change, but this is still of course right in the middle of the scene :). I love leaving you hanging :P.)
Scene 1
(Lights up. Living Room and kitchen of a small apartment. The kitchen area blends right into the living area where STACY sits doing a crossword puzzle at the coffee table. TERRY stands in the kitchen dicing vegetables on a cutting board, on the island. A pot of bubbling liquid is on the burner behind him. Only the sound of the knife and the clock on the wall is heard.)
TERRY
I have to go to Detroit tomorrow.
STACY
Why?
TERRY
I'll be gone for the next two days. After tonight, there should be enough left overs for dinner for that time.
(Long silence)
STACY
I didn't know that.
TERRY
Didn't know what - that I'll be gone for two days or that there will be enough for left overs?
STACY
You never tell me you're going until last minute.
TERRY
I swear I told you last week something about it . . .
STACY
No, you never tell me, it's always like this.
TERRY
Well you can call my boss to confirm the trip if you're worried it's not legitimate this time.
STACY
Can you not bring that up, please? I'd like to finish this puzzle with a little sanity.
TERRY
Well, maybe you could put down the puzzle for a minute and could help me in here? It might be nice to do something together before I leave . . .
STACY
What is that supposed to mean? Are you blaming me?
TERRY
I'm not saying anything.
STACY
Yes, you are, you don't want to blame yourself so you're throwing it on me?
TERRY
(trying to cool the situation)
We've already talked about this - we don't need to talk about it again.
STACY
Do you want me to call my lawyer, maybe you can talk to him about it!
TERRY
(angry now)
Why am I even in here making this dinner for you! For US! Is this just another futile attempt for me to put our lives back together - am I just wasting my time and energy for nothing?
STACY
Oh, don't even -
TERRY
Damn it, Stacy! You know what? We don't need these vegetables, we don't!
(TERRY begins knocking the vegetables off the cutting board and throwing them around the room.)
There just a representation of all the times we've wasted so why don't we just let the dog eat 'em!
(This is all I'm writing in this for now. I think the wording on the end here will change, but this is still of course right in the middle of the scene :). I love leaving you hanging :P.)
Monday, February 16, 2009
10 minute drama COMPLETE!
I finished writing my 10-minute drama, and if you're lucky I'll post it here shortly :).
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Okay, so I'm having trouble creating dialogue in this scene I'm writing, more so on the girl's part and I think part of the problem is I have not broken her down into the details of have him. So I'm about to do the detail exercise again with her and hopefully this will get my creative juices flowing.
Name: Rachel
Sex: F
Height/Weight: 5'6"/150 lbs.
Physical: Unfit, slightly overweight
Age: 27
Religion: Christian (inactive)
Education: Business school
Birthplace: Grand Rapids, MI
Childhood home: Holland, MI
Marital Status: Single
Favorite food: Pizza
Hobbies: Playing video games, watching movies, playing with her cats, graphic designing
Fears: Spiders, snakes, arachnids, rodents, dark places
Pet Peeves: Public humiliation, strictness
Criminal Record: parking violation, speeding ticket - nothing serious
Job: Computer software office assistant
Friends: Other co-workers, a few best friends from high school
Pets: two cats
Habits: Biting nails, restless behavior, drinking coffee
That's all I have for her, I hope that helps me shape the conversation, although it seems to be taking the scene a different way than I had originally thought . . . my biggest problem right now is figuring out WHY they are in the office together this late at work. I keep thinking its involving him giving her a promotion or semi-interviewing her for one, but I don't know if I like that enough. I'm going to try to babble out some more stuff for the beginning of the scene.
*Lights up. GUY is sitting at the desk in his office looking over some papers. A knock at his door.*
GUY: Come in.
*RACHEL peeks her head in at first, then opens the door and comes in - she has two cups of coffee in her hands.
RACHEL: Your coffee, sir.
GUY: Please, call me Guy. We're all friends here. You can just set it there by the phone.
*Rachel sets down the coffee and turns to leave.
GUY: Rachel, would you like to join me for a minute?
*She stops and turns around surprised.
RACHEL: Uhh, sure.
GUY: Please close the door behind you.
RACHEL: Oh, yes.
*She quickly shuts the door behind her and offers a quick smile.
GUY: Please, sit down, relax. Forget convention for a few minutes. It's always nice to have a bit of R&R after a long day.
RACHEL: Okay.
*She shyly sits down and offers another smile
GUY: You know what, it's my Uncle's birthday today, let's celebrate. Do you like Scotch?
*GUY opens one of his drawers and pulls out two crystal glasses and a flask. He begins to pour the scotch into the two glasses
GUY: Do you take ice?
RACHEL: Oh, no thanks.
GUY: (as he hands her a glass) I always keep this handy for special occasions. Cheers.
*Long silence as they both drink
*Note: as the conversation continues, he keeps giving her more as she finishes, but he doesn't take more for himself. Also, it is important that she has limited eye contact with him.
GUY: You know, I've been looking over some files and time cards lately, and I noticed you've been taking extra long breaks. Also, you have taken three sick days in the last month, now . . .
*Rachel begins to protest, but he holds up a hand to stop her
GUY: This isn't a matter of excuses, it's a matter of efficiency. It's the matter of how we can both best do our jobs. You're a nice girl, Rachel, a pretty girl, but I didn't ask you here so I could fire you, so relax . . . by the way, I went fishing last weekend and I have some filleting to do, you don't mind if I do that while we talk?
RACHEL: No, not at all.
*From a cooler at the side of his desk, GUY pulls out a large fish and a fillet knife. He puts down a cutting board on his desk before he begins to work at the fish.
This next section is added only because I thought of it, and didn't want to forget it, but it is not directly connected to this section:
GUY: The wonderful thing about a filet knife is it's so . . . precise. So clean. Like it knows what it wants and knows how to get it done. It, of course, doesn't think, it just does what it needs to do.
I know I'm leaving it hanging, but that's it for now, perhaps the next entry will be the entire work pieced together and up as a first draft!
Name: Rachel
Sex: F
Height/Weight: 5'6"/150 lbs.
Physical: Unfit, slightly overweight
Age: 27
Religion: Christian (inactive)
Education: Business school
Birthplace: Grand Rapids, MI
Childhood home: Holland, MI
Marital Status: Single
Favorite food: Pizza
Hobbies: Playing video games, watching movies, playing with her cats, graphic designing
Fears: Spiders, snakes, arachnids, rodents, dark places
Pet Peeves: Public humiliation, strictness
Criminal Record: parking violation, speeding ticket - nothing serious
Job: Computer software office assistant
Friends: Other co-workers, a few best friends from high school
Pets: two cats
Habits: Biting nails, restless behavior, drinking coffee
That's all I have for her, I hope that helps me shape the conversation, although it seems to be taking the scene a different way than I had originally thought . . . my biggest problem right now is figuring out WHY they are in the office together this late at work. I keep thinking its involving him giving her a promotion or semi-interviewing her for one, but I don't know if I like that enough. I'm going to try to babble out some more stuff for the beginning of the scene.
*Lights up. GUY is sitting at the desk in his office looking over some papers. A knock at his door.*
GUY: Come in.
*RACHEL peeks her head in at first, then opens the door and comes in - she has two cups of coffee in her hands.
RACHEL: Your coffee, sir.
GUY: Please, call me Guy. We're all friends here. You can just set it there by the phone.
*Rachel sets down the coffee and turns to leave.
GUY: Rachel, would you like to join me for a minute?
*She stops and turns around surprised.
RACHEL: Uhh, sure.
GUY: Please close the door behind you.
RACHEL: Oh, yes.
*She quickly shuts the door behind her and offers a quick smile.
GUY: Please, sit down, relax. Forget convention for a few minutes. It's always nice to have a bit of R&R after a long day.
RACHEL: Okay.
*She shyly sits down and offers another smile
GUY: You know what, it's my Uncle's birthday today, let's celebrate. Do you like Scotch?
*GUY opens one of his drawers and pulls out two crystal glasses and a flask. He begins to pour the scotch into the two glasses
GUY: Do you take ice?
RACHEL: Oh, no thanks.
GUY: (as he hands her a glass) I always keep this handy for special occasions. Cheers.
*Long silence as they both drink
*Note: as the conversation continues, he keeps giving her more as she finishes, but he doesn't take more for himself. Also, it is important that she has limited eye contact with him.
GUY: You know, I've been looking over some files and time cards lately, and I noticed you've been taking extra long breaks. Also, you have taken three sick days in the last month, now . . .
*Rachel begins to protest, but he holds up a hand to stop her
GUY: This isn't a matter of excuses, it's a matter of efficiency. It's the matter of how we can both best do our jobs. You're a nice girl, Rachel, a pretty girl, but I didn't ask you here so I could fire you, so relax . . . by the way, I went fishing last weekend and I have some filleting to do, you don't mind if I do that while we talk?
RACHEL: No, not at all.
*From a cooler at the side of his desk, GUY pulls out a large fish and a fillet knife. He puts down a cutting board on his desk before he begins to work at the fish.
This next section is added only because I thought of it, and didn't want to forget it, but it is not directly connected to this section:
GUY: The wonderful thing about a filet knife is it's so . . . precise. So clean. Like it knows what it wants and knows how to get it done. It, of course, doesn't think, it just does what it needs to do.
I know I'm leaving it hanging, but that's it for now, perhaps the next entry will be the entire work pieced together and up as a first draft!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Ok, what I am about to write going to purely flow from my mind as I write and is not edited or formed up in any kind of way. Hopefully just spewing this out will help me shape it for the future. This will be a part of a drama that I may turn into a 10-minute play and is a follow-up to the last post :). I think I may also be starting mid-conversation to help me get the flow of it.
Scene: An office building. Guy's office. Night. The glass windows of his office are shuttered. Rachel (a co-worker) sits on the arm of the chair in front of his desk. Guy sits back in his chair behind the desk sipping black coffee. (Note: if this coffee were to be spilled it would strictly need to be black - he drinks it no other way.) The door to the office is closed.
GUY: Your buttons are . . . misaligned.
RACHEL: Yeah, I know, I like it like that.
*Guy coughs*
GUY: So Rachel . . . if you were going to kill someone, how would you do it?
RACHEL: Why would I even be thinking about that?
GUY: I'm sure at one time or another you've been angry enough to . . . kill someone. Or at least thought about it. So how would you do it?
RACHEL: Um, well . . . I suppose I'd do it like in the movies! Hack 'em into a bunch of pieces and bury them in the walls! Ooooo! . . . (Guy stares at her) Are you serious?!
GUY: Sure, why not. If we're just talking about it.
RACHEL: I guess . . . (long silence) . . . how about poisoning them? Like in their drink or something. Then you don't have a finger pointing at you.
GUY: Yes, yes. That's not bad. Clean. No one to blame.
RACHEL: Why do you want to talk about this anyway?
GUY: I'm curious. I find it fascinating the lengths that some people will go to kill someone . . . when it can be a relatively simple thing.
RACHEL: I don't think killing anybody is simple.
GUY: Just - you're thinking about it the wrong way. You have to look at the situation from a distance and observe it with a clear mind. When you break it down, it really can be quite simple. Killing.
(WARNING: spoiler ahead, I'm jumping to this because this part of the dialogue popped into my head.)
*GUY moves toward the office door and locks it quietly*
GUY: What time is it?
RACHEL: 9:06 . . .
GUY: That means that the last person to clock out would have done so 6 minutes ago . . . excluding you and I, of course.
RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that means we better leave - *she stands and grabs her coat*
GUY: Wait.
*Guy moves to his office closet and pulls out a clear plastic object that looks like some body suit.*
GUY: This is a clothing protector - used sometimes by painters so they don't get paint on their clothes.
*He puts in on over his suit*
GUY: How does it look?
RACHEL: Dandy. If there's nothing else I'd like to -
GUY: (interrupting) There was something you said earlier, about hacking someone to pieces and hiding them in the walls. While that does seem a bit carried away, I do like the knife method. I have a cleaver in my drawer. Suppose I kill you with it, right now? Or maybe strangle you with your own coat?
RACHEL: (laughing uncertainly) Ok, now you're scaring me. Can you open the door so I can leave?
GUY: It would probably be best if you don't scream . . . though it might be entertaining.
*Guy opens the drawer and pulls out a butcher's cleaver*
GUY: I'll try not to make a mess.
*Lights fade to black
THE END
Well, there are some pieces of my drama! And the ending as well. Hope you found it . . . interesting :).
Scene: An office building. Guy's office. Night. The glass windows of his office are shuttered. Rachel (a co-worker) sits on the arm of the chair in front of his desk. Guy sits back in his chair behind the desk sipping black coffee. (Note: if this coffee were to be spilled it would strictly need to be black - he drinks it no other way.) The door to the office is closed.
GUY: Your buttons are . . . misaligned.
RACHEL: Yeah, I know, I like it like that.
*Guy coughs*
GUY: So Rachel . . . if you were going to kill someone, how would you do it?
RACHEL: Why would I even be thinking about that?
GUY: I'm sure at one time or another you've been angry enough to . . . kill someone. Or at least thought about it. So how would you do it?
RACHEL: Um, well . . . I suppose I'd do it like in the movies! Hack 'em into a bunch of pieces and bury them in the walls! Ooooo! . . . (Guy stares at her) Are you serious?!
GUY: Sure, why not. If we're just talking about it.
RACHEL: I guess . . . (long silence) . . . how about poisoning them? Like in their drink or something. Then you don't have a finger pointing at you.
GUY: Yes, yes. That's not bad. Clean. No one to blame.
RACHEL: Why do you want to talk about this anyway?
GUY: I'm curious. I find it fascinating the lengths that some people will go to kill someone . . . when it can be a relatively simple thing.
RACHEL: I don't think killing anybody is simple.
GUY: Just - you're thinking about it the wrong way. You have to look at the situation from a distance and observe it with a clear mind. When you break it down, it really can be quite simple. Killing.
(WARNING: spoiler ahead, I'm jumping to this because this part of the dialogue popped into my head.)
*GUY moves toward the office door and locks it quietly*
GUY: What time is it?
RACHEL: 9:06 . . .
GUY: That means that the last person to clock out would have done so 6 minutes ago . . . excluding you and I, of course.
RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that means we better leave - *she stands and grabs her coat*
GUY: Wait.
*Guy moves to his office closet and pulls out a clear plastic object that looks like some body suit.*
GUY: This is a clothing protector - used sometimes by painters so they don't get paint on their clothes.
*He puts in on over his suit*
GUY: How does it look?
RACHEL: Dandy. If there's nothing else I'd like to -
GUY: (interrupting) There was something you said earlier, about hacking someone to pieces and hiding them in the walls. While that does seem a bit carried away, I do like the knife method. I have a cleaver in my drawer. Suppose I kill you with it, right now? Or maybe strangle you with your own coat?
RACHEL: (laughing uncertainly) Ok, now you're scaring me. Can you open the door so I can leave?
GUY: It would probably be best if you don't scream . . . though it might be entertaining.
*Guy opens the drawer and pulls out a butcher's cleaver*
GUY: I'll try not to make a mess.
*Lights fade to black
THE END
Well, there are some pieces of my drama! And the ending as well. Hope you found it . . . interesting :).
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Drama Script Idea . . .
So, soon I will be turning in a first draft of a Dramatic script, but I'm not entirely solid on what I want to write yet. I have a few ideas and here's one that I've started developing - the scene is between two people, a guy and a girl, on a date. This is no ordinary date, however, as the audience - and one of the datees - will soon find out. To help me, I've broken down the guy character into some details of "character" developing that we went over in class. It is as follows:
Name: Guy
Sex: M
Height/Weight: 6'0"/180 lbs.
Physical: Athletic
Age: 25
Religion: none
Education: Business School
Birthplace: Seattle, WA
Childhood home: Seattle, WA
Marital Status: Single
Favorite Food: Sushi
Hobbies: Polishing stones, Cleaning, Collecting State Quarters, Cooking, Shooting
Fears: none known
Pet Peeves: uncleanliness/untidiness
Criminal Record: clean
Choice of clothing: business-like, ironed and creased
Job: Cubicle job - handles taxes
Friends: no close friends
Pets: Chameleon
Just by his characteristics you may already see elements of his nature and how he might act. On my next post I may try to draw up some dialogue and try to assemble an interesting situation for the two characters!.
Name: Guy
Sex: M
Height/Weight: 6'0"/180 lbs.
Physical: Athletic
Age: 25
Religion: none
Education: Business School
Birthplace: Seattle, WA
Childhood home: Seattle, WA
Marital Status: Single
Favorite Food: Sushi
Hobbies: Polishing stones, Cleaning, Collecting State Quarters, Cooking, Shooting
Fears: none known
Pet Peeves: uncleanliness/untidiness
Criminal Record: clean
Choice of clothing: business-like, ironed and creased
Job: Cubicle job - handles taxes
Friends: no close friends
Pets: Chameleon
Just by his characteristics you may already see elements of his nature and how he might act. On my next post I may try to draw up some dialogue and try to assemble an interesting situation for the two characters!.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Marc and Ned con't . . .
This is a continuation from the previous writing so please read the last post before beginning this one!
(. . . Ned returns)
NED
So, I spotted a village a-ways off from here.
MARC
A village, really?! That's terrific! But . . . what were you doing with that caveboy, yonder?
NED
What, what caveboy?
MARC
You know, that boy you were off with . . . alone.
NED
What are you saying? We were just talking . . . if this was any of your business I would have told you. (He begins writing something down in a small notebook.)
MARC
What are you writing there?
NED
It's a sermon, I just get them periodically, whenever I spot a virgin.
MARC
(Doesn't believe him) Really? What's it about?
NED
Lactose Intolerance.
MARC
Well I'll tell you what I will not intolerate - this behavior! I'm trying to become a nun all right? You know, the "Sound of Music," the singing nuns? That's what I want to do.
NED
You know what, you're absolutely right, that is what we should do, we should become nuns!
MARC
Mmm, mmmm that's a good idea! German nuns! I always loved Germans.
NED
Actually, I was thinking French nuns.
MARC
No, no, no we can't do that, I don't . . . the whole armpit hair thing.
NED
No, actually as nuns I think they are required to shave.
MARC
Oh, really? Really?
NED
It is the only way we can stop the rain from coming. The rain gods just barely told me so.
MARC
Oh, really. Then we can . . . sacrifice that caveboy of yours.
NED
(Quietly) No.
MARC
Why not?
NED
Because I love him.
MARC
WHAT??!? YOU CAN'T LOVE A BOY!!
NED
I AM A NUN I CAN LOVE WHOEVER I WANT!
MARC
Actually, I think you're thinking of something else . . .
TED
Aren't nuns like the one person that gives birth to a whole tribe of people?
MARC
No, no no no no - nuns are the people that take a vow of celery which means that you can't be intimate with anyone.
TED
Really? Hmm, so they're kind of like . . .
(Marc and Ted look at each other simultaneously)
MARC and TED
VIRGINS!!!
MARC
I have an idea! Let's go down to that village down there, check out the nuns situation, see what's going on down there, and once we are in there, we can steal two nuns, sacrifice them, and then replace them with ourselves!
TED
That is, that is . . . absolutely brilliant! That's like killing two birds with two stones! Maybe three stones . . . or is it four?
MARC
You know what, let's get three nuns! Just in case one of them dies on the way up the mountain, because nuns are weak and frail, old and brittle, that's why they need us to be nuns because we're durable and long-lasting like those breath mints I don't know what they are but they are good and last long!
TED
Yes! Let us depart and steal us some virgin nun people! Tally HO!
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(Marc and Ned coming upon a village)
MARC
Hmm, that was a rough run, I think I pulled my hammy.
NED
Well, we're finally in the village.
MARC
So, it that a monastery, mortuary . . . maybe morbituary?
NED
Yes! Morbituary sounds right. Here, look they are coming . . . no, wait. Holy Aunt Jemima's Spatula, those are, those are, giant skunks with human faces!
MARC
Um, no I don't think those are skunks . . . I think that's what nuns look like.
NED
No, no, we - there's no time! Don't you know what giant skunk people do?! Suck your soul out wiht a straw . . .
MARC
You're ridiculous, you big bag of stupid, look those are - oh, oh my, those really are giant skunk people! Let's get out of here!
(Marc and Ned high tail it back to the mountain.)
END SCENE 3
SCENE 4
NED
Another fruitless endeavor!
MARC
Please, don't bring up the fruit again . . .
NED
Well, at least we made it back!
MARC
Great, but what do we have to show for it?! Now we have no nuns and no virgins at all! We're gonna die up here, game over! Game over, man! Wait, what's that you've got bundled in your arms there?
NED
Uhh . . . it's uhhh . . . toaster.
MARC
That's not a toaster, why that's a . . .(grabs it violently) THE CAVEBOY!
NED
NO! Give him back! He came to me . . . he came to me! (takes him back)
MARC
He has to be sacrificed!!! (grabs the caveboy) IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!!! (as he hurls the caveboy off the cliff)
NED
Nooooo! You - you - THREW HIM LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!
MARC
It was necessary . . .
NED
Necessary?? You shed the innocent blood of a young, vulnerable, and incredibly handsome caveboy and call it necessary?! You know what I call it? Blatant homosapianism, you overgrown burger Nazi!
MARC
Homosapianism? I do not like cats!
NED
I do! They're like furry little people . . .
MARC
That didn't even make any sense . . . look! The first rule of nunningness is that sacrifice brings forth abundant blessings, and if you can't accept that then that means you really, really, really, SUCK!
NED
I don't want to be a nun anymore! I want to be a priest! That way I can love my caveboy unconditionally - but now I can't because he's dead! And you killed him and that'd be really weird to love a dead caveboy, I mean that's just sick.
MARC
It's okay . . . according to our varying religious beliefs he will be reincarnated as a wonderful butterfly.
NED
Yes . . .and I will find him, and take care of him . . . like he's my own little insect child with wings.
MARC
That's poetic, did you get that from Shakespeare?
NED
No, Shakespeare stole that from me - stupid fat phony!
(Thunder crackling overhead, lightning flashes)
MARC
NO! The storm! It's still coming! But . . .but . . . we made the sacrifice! We did everything we were supposed to! And still . . . this is how the gods repay us?! Our whole religion is wrong!
NED
Hold me . . . (they hold each other)
MARC
Do you think the rain gods really exist?
NED
I have doubts, I have such doubts . . .
END SCENE 4
END OF PLAY
(This play is dedicated to Alex Barlow, who was my little caveboy when I needed him.)
NED
So, I spotted a village a-ways off from here.
MARC
A village, really?! That's terrific! But . . . what were you doing with that caveboy, yonder?
NED
What, what caveboy?
MARC
You know, that boy you were off with . . . alone.
NED
What are you saying? We were just talking . . . if this was any of your business I would have told you. (He begins writing something down in a small notebook.)
MARC
What are you writing there?
NED
It's a sermon, I just get them periodically, whenever I spot a virgin.
MARC
(Doesn't believe him) Really? What's it about?
NED
Lactose Intolerance.
MARC
Well I'll tell you what I will not intolerate - this behavior! I'm trying to become a nun all right? You know, the "Sound of Music," the singing nuns? That's what I want to do.
NED
You know what, you're absolutely right, that is what we should do, we should become nuns!
MARC
Mmm, mmmm that's a good idea! German nuns! I always loved Germans.
NED
Actually, I was thinking French nuns.
MARC
No, no, no we can't do that, I don't . . . the whole armpit hair thing.
NED
No, actually as nuns I think they are required to shave.
MARC
Oh, really? Really?
NED
It is the only way we can stop the rain from coming. The rain gods just barely told me so.
MARC
Oh, really. Then we can . . . sacrifice that caveboy of yours.
NED
(Quietly) No.
MARC
Why not?
NED
Because I love him.
MARC
WHAT??!? YOU CAN'T LOVE A BOY!!
NED
I AM A NUN I CAN LOVE WHOEVER I WANT!
MARC
Actually, I think you're thinking of something else . . .
TED
Aren't nuns like the one person that gives birth to a whole tribe of people?
MARC
No, no no no no - nuns are the people that take a vow of celery which means that you can't be intimate with anyone.
TED
Really? Hmm, so they're kind of like . . .
(Marc and Ted look at each other simultaneously)
MARC and TED
VIRGINS!!!
MARC
I have an idea! Let's go down to that village down there, check out the nuns situation, see what's going on down there, and once we are in there, we can steal two nuns, sacrifice them, and then replace them with ourselves!
TED
That is, that is . . . absolutely brilliant! That's like killing two birds with two stones! Maybe three stones . . . or is it four?
MARC
You know what, let's get three nuns! Just in case one of them dies on the way up the mountain, because nuns are weak and frail, old and brittle, that's why they need us to be nuns because we're durable and long-lasting like those breath mints I don't know what they are but they are good and last long!
TED
Yes! Let us depart and steal us some virgin nun people! Tally HO!
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(Marc and Ned coming upon a village)
MARC
Hmm, that was a rough run, I think I pulled my hammy.
NED
Well, we're finally in the village.
MARC
So, it that a monastery, mortuary . . . maybe morbituary?
NED
Yes! Morbituary sounds right. Here, look they are coming . . . no, wait. Holy Aunt Jemima's Spatula, those are, those are, giant skunks with human faces!
MARC
Um, no I don't think those are skunks . . . I think that's what nuns look like.
NED
No, no, we - there's no time! Don't you know what giant skunk people do?! Suck your soul out wiht a straw . . .
MARC
You're ridiculous, you big bag of stupid, look those are - oh, oh my, those really are giant skunk people! Let's get out of here!
(Marc and Ned high tail it back to the mountain.)
END SCENE 3
SCENE 4
NED
Another fruitless endeavor!
MARC
Please, don't bring up the fruit again . . .
NED
Well, at least we made it back!
MARC
Great, but what do we have to show for it?! Now we have no nuns and no virgins at all! We're gonna die up here, game over! Game over, man! Wait, what's that you've got bundled in your arms there?
NED
Uhh . . . it's uhhh . . . toaster.
MARC
That's not a toaster, why that's a . . .(grabs it violently) THE CAVEBOY!
NED
NO! Give him back! He came to me . . . he came to me! (takes him back)
MARC
He has to be sacrificed!!! (grabs the caveboy) IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!!! (as he hurls the caveboy off the cliff)
NED
Nooooo! You - you - THREW HIM LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!
MARC
It was necessary . . .
NED
Necessary?? You shed the innocent blood of a young, vulnerable, and incredibly handsome caveboy and call it necessary?! You know what I call it? Blatant homosapianism, you overgrown burger Nazi!
MARC
Homosapianism? I do not like cats!
NED
I do! They're like furry little people . . .
MARC
That didn't even make any sense . . . look! The first rule of nunningness is that sacrifice brings forth abundant blessings, and if you can't accept that then that means you really, really, really, SUCK!
NED
I don't want to be a nun anymore! I want to be a priest! That way I can love my caveboy unconditionally - but now I can't because he's dead! And you killed him and that'd be really weird to love a dead caveboy, I mean that's just sick.
MARC
It's okay . . . according to our varying religious beliefs he will be reincarnated as a wonderful butterfly.
NED
Yes . . .and I will find him, and take care of him . . . like he's my own little insect child with wings.
MARC
That's poetic, did you get that from Shakespeare?
NED
No, Shakespeare stole that from me - stupid fat phony!
(Thunder crackling overhead, lightning flashes)
MARC
NO! The storm! It's still coming! But . . .but . . . we made the sacrifice! We did everything we were supposed to! And still . . . this is how the gods repay us?! Our whole religion is wrong!
NED
Hold me . . . (they hold each other)
MARC
Do you think the rain gods really exist?
NED
I have doubts, I have such doubts . . .
END SCENE 4
END OF PLAY
(This play is dedicated to Alex Barlow, who was my little caveboy when I needed him.)
WELL, that's it! Hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to leave *constructive* comments!
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