(. . . Ned returns)
NED
So, I spotted a village a-ways off from here.
MARC
A village, really?! That's terrific! But . . . what were you doing with that caveboy, yonder?
NED
What, what caveboy?
MARC
You know, that boy you were off with . . . alone.
NED
What are you saying? We were just talking . . . if this was any of your business I would have told you. (He begins writing something down in a small notebook.)
MARC
What are you writing there?
NED
It's a sermon, I just get them periodically, whenever I spot a virgin.
MARC
(Doesn't believe him) Really? What's it about?
NED
Lactose Intolerance.
MARC
Well I'll tell you what I will not intolerate - this behavior! I'm trying to become a nun all right? You know, the "Sound of Music," the singing nuns? That's what I want to do.
NED
You know what, you're absolutely right, that is what we should do, we should become nuns!
MARC
Mmm, mmmm that's a good idea! German nuns! I always loved Germans.
NED
Actually, I was thinking French nuns.
MARC
No, no, no we can't do that, I don't . . . the whole armpit hair thing.
NED
No, actually as nuns I think they are required to shave.
MARC
Oh, really? Really?
NED
It is the only way we can stop the rain from coming. The rain gods just barely told me so.
MARC
Oh, really. Then we can . . . sacrifice that caveboy of yours.
NED
(Quietly) No.
MARC
Why not?
NED
Because I love him.
MARC
WHAT??!? YOU CAN'T LOVE A BOY!!
NED
I AM A NUN I CAN LOVE WHOEVER I WANT!
MARC
Actually, I think you're thinking of something else . . .
TED
Aren't nuns like the one person that gives birth to a whole tribe of people?
MARC
No, no no no no - nuns are the people that take a vow of celery which means that you can't be intimate with anyone.
TED
Really? Hmm, so they're kind of like . . .
(Marc and Ted look at each other simultaneously)
MARC and TED
VIRGINS!!!
MARC
I have an idea! Let's go down to that village down there, check out the nuns situation, see what's going on down there, and once we are in there, we can steal two nuns, sacrifice them, and then replace them with ourselves!
TED
That is, that is . . . absolutely brilliant! That's like killing two birds with two stones! Maybe three stones . . . or is it four?
MARC
You know what, let's get three nuns! Just in case one of them dies on the way up the mountain, because nuns are weak and frail, old and brittle, that's why they need us to be nuns because we're durable and long-lasting like those breath mints I don't know what they are but they are good and last long!
TED
Yes! Let us depart and steal us some virgin nun people! Tally HO!
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(Marc and Ned coming upon a village)
MARC
Hmm, that was a rough run, I think I pulled my hammy.
NED
Well, we're finally in the village.
MARC
So, it that a monastery, mortuary . . . maybe morbituary?
NED
Yes! Morbituary sounds right. Here, look they are coming . . . no, wait. Holy Aunt Jemima's Spatula, those are, those are, giant skunks with human faces!
MARC
Um, no I don't think those are skunks . . . I think that's what nuns look like.
NED
No, no, we - there's no time! Don't you know what giant skunk people do?! Suck your soul out wiht a straw . . .
MARC
You're ridiculous, you big bag of stupid, look those are - oh, oh my, those really are giant skunk people! Let's get out of here!
(Marc and Ned high tail it back to the mountain.)
END SCENE 3
SCENE 4
NED
Another fruitless endeavor!
MARC
Please, don't bring up the fruit again . . .
NED
Well, at least we made it back!
MARC
Great, but what do we have to show for it?! Now we have no nuns and no virgins at all! We're gonna die up here, game over! Game over, man! Wait, what's that you've got bundled in your arms there?
NED
Uhh . . . it's uhhh . . . toaster.
MARC
That's not a toaster, why that's a . . .(grabs it violently) THE CAVEBOY!
NED
NO! Give him back! He came to me . . . he came to me! (takes him back)
MARC
He has to be sacrificed!!! (grabs the caveboy) IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!!! (as he hurls the caveboy off the cliff)
NED
Nooooo! You - you - THREW HIM LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!
MARC
It was necessary . . .
NED
Necessary?? You shed the innocent blood of a young, vulnerable, and incredibly handsome caveboy and call it necessary?! You know what I call it? Blatant homosapianism, you overgrown burger Nazi!
MARC
Homosapianism? I do not like cats!
NED
I do! They're like furry little people . . .
MARC
That didn't even make any sense . . . look! The first rule of nunningness is that sacrifice brings forth abundant blessings, and if you can't accept that then that means you really, really, really, SUCK!
NED
I don't want to be a nun anymore! I want to be a priest! That way I can love my caveboy unconditionally - but now I can't because he's dead! And you killed him and that'd be really weird to love a dead caveboy, I mean that's just sick.
MARC
It's okay . . . according to our varying religious beliefs he will be reincarnated as a wonderful butterfly.
NED
Yes . . .and I will find him, and take care of him . . . like he's my own little insect child with wings.
MARC
That's poetic, did you get that from Shakespeare?
NED
No, Shakespeare stole that from me - stupid fat phony!
(Thunder crackling overhead, lightning flashes)
MARC
NO! The storm! It's still coming! But . . .but . . . we made the sacrifice! We did everything we were supposed to! And still . . . this is how the gods repay us?! Our whole religion is wrong!
NED
Hold me . . . (they hold each other)
MARC
Do you think the rain gods really exist?
NED
I have doubts, I have such doubts . . .
END SCENE 4
END OF PLAY
(This play is dedicated to Alex Barlow, who was my little caveboy when I needed him.)
NED
So, I spotted a village a-ways off from here.
MARC
A village, really?! That's terrific! But . . . what were you doing with that caveboy, yonder?
NED
What, what caveboy?
MARC
You know, that boy you were off with . . . alone.
NED
What are you saying? We were just talking . . . if this was any of your business I would have told you. (He begins writing something down in a small notebook.)
MARC
What are you writing there?
NED
It's a sermon, I just get them periodically, whenever I spot a virgin.
MARC
(Doesn't believe him) Really? What's it about?
NED
Lactose Intolerance.
MARC
Well I'll tell you what I will not intolerate - this behavior! I'm trying to become a nun all right? You know, the "Sound of Music," the singing nuns? That's what I want to do.
NED
You know what, you're absolutely right, that is what we should do, we should become nuns!
MARC
Mmm, mmmm that's a good idea! German nuns! I always loved Germans.
NED
Actually, I was thinking French nuns.
MARC
No, no, no we can't do that, I don't . . . the whole armpit hair thing.
NED
No, actually as nuns I think they are required to shave.
MARC
Oh, really? Really?
NED
It is the only way we can stop the rain from coming. The rain gods just barely told me so.
MARC
Oh, really. Then we can . . . sacrifice that caveboy of yours.
NED
(Quietly) No.
MARC
Why not?
NED
Because I love him.
MARC
WHAT??!? YOU CAN'T LOVE A BOY!!
NED
I AM A NUN I CAN LOVE WHOEVER I WANT!
MARC
Actually, I think you're thinking of something else . . .
TED
Aren't nuns like the one person that gives birth to a whole tribe of people?
MARC
No, no no no no - nuns are the people that take a vow of celery which means that you can't be intimate with anyone.
TED
Really? Hmm, so they're kind of like . . .
(Marc and Ted look at each other simultaneously)
MARC and TED
VIRGINS!!!
MARC
I have an idea! Let's go down to that village down there, check out the nuns situation, see what's going on down there, and once we are in there, we can steal two nuns, sacrifice them, and then replace them with ourselves!
TED
That is, that is . . . absolutely brilliant! That's like killing two birds with two stones! Maybe three stones . . . or is it four?
MARC
You know what, let's get three nuns! Just in case one of them dies on the way up the mountain, because nuns are weak and frail, old and brittle, that's why they need us to be nuns because we're durable and long-lasting like those breath mints I don't know what they are but they are good and last long!
TED
Yes! Let us depart and steal us some virgin nun people! Tally HO!
END SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(Marc and Ned coming upon a village)
MARC
Hmm, that was a rough run, I think I pulled my hammy.
NED
Well, we're finally in the village.
MARC
So, it that a monastery, mortuary . . . maybe morbituary?
NED
Yes! Morbituary sounds right. Here, look they are coming . . . no, wait. Holy Aunt Jemima's Spatula, those are, those are, giant skunks with human faces!
MARC
Um, no I don't think those are skunks . . . I think that's what nuns look like.
NED
No, no, we - there's no time! Don't you know what giant skunk people do?! Suck your soul out wiht a straw . . .
MARC
You're ridiculous, you big bag of stupid, look those are - oh, oh my, those really are giant skunk people! Let's get out of here!
(Marc and Ned high tail it back to the mountain.)
END SCENE 3
SCENE 4
NED
Another fruitless endeavor!
MARC
Please, don't bring up the fruit again . . .
NED
Well, at least we made it back!
MARC
Great, but what do we have to show for it?! Now we have no nuns and no virgins at all! We're gonna die up here, game over! Game over, man! Wait, what's that you've got bundled in your arms there?
NED
Uhh . . . it's uhhh . . . toaster.
MARC
That's not a toaster, why that's a . . .(grabs it violently) THE CAVEBOY!
NED
NO! Give him back! He came to me . . . he came to me! (takes him back)
MARC
He has to be sacrificed!!! (grabs the caveboy) IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!!! (as he hurls the caveboy off the cliff)
NED
Nooooo! You - you - THREW HIM LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!
MARC
It was necessary . . .
NED
Necessary?? You shed the innocent blood of a young, vulnerable, and incredibly handsome caveboy and call it necessary?! You know what I call it? Blatant homosapianism, you overgrown burger Nazi!
MARC
Homosapianism? I do not like cats!
NED
I do! They're like furry little people . . .
MARC
That didn't even make any sense . . . look! The first rule of nunningness is that sacrifice brings forth abundant blessings, and if you can't accept that then that means you really, really, really, SUCK!
NED
I don't want to be a nun anymore! I want to be a priest! That way I can love my caveboy unconditionally - but now I can't because he's dead! And you killed him and that'd be really weird to love a dead caveboy, I mean that's just sick.
MARC
It's okay . . . according to our varying religious beliefs he will be reincarnated as a wonderful butterfly.
NED
Yes . . .and I will find him, and take care of him . . . like he's my own little insect child with wings.
MARC
That's poetic, did you get that from Shakespeare?
NED
No, Shakespeare stole that from me - stupid fat phony!
(Thunder crackling overhead, lightning flashes)
MARC
NO! The storm! It's still coming! But . . .but . . . we made the sacrifice! We did everything we were supposed to! And still . . . this is how the gods repay us?! Our whole religion is wrong!
NED
Hold me . . . (they hold each other)
MARC
Do you think the rain gods really exist?
NED
I have doubts, I have such doubts . . .
END SCENE 4
END OF PLAY
(This play is dedicated to Alex Barlow, who was my little caveboy when I needed him.)
WELL, that's it! Hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to leave *constructive* comments!
I really like this, and I think it has a lot of potential.
ReplyDelete1. There are still issues with multiple scenes, but you know that...
2. It seems to lose focus in the middle. There's funny stuff there, but it doesn't seem focused on the main point.
3. Ned and Marc seem like two incarnations of the same person. Perhaps you could give them each opposing characteristics; if the new characteristics were exaggerated enough, it would increase the humor as well as give it more dimension.
4. You listed Ned as "Ted" for a few lines in the middle...
I didn't really follow the story as well as I had hoped. I did laugh a great deal though. I think I was taking this assignment a little too serious when I look at this blog... but I like that. See you tomorrow in class
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